A woman in the states is beaten every nine seconds by an intimate or former partner.  Up to 35% of women who visit medical emergency rooms are there for injuries related to ongoing domestic abuse (1).  An estimated 1.4 million children in the United States experience abuse (2) and 1,200 to 5,000 die as a result of maltreatment (3).  What does this tell us?  That anger, or rather dealing with anger, remains a huge and growing problem here in America.

The Christian community has little tolerance for anger as an emotion.  Many Christians have been taught it is a sin and as one becomes more spiritual he or she will cease to feel anger.  “Sinless anger” is seen as an oxymoron.  But yet Paul does talk about anger and how to deal with it in Ephesians 4:26 and we see examples in Jesus’ life when he became angry (the money changers in the temple,  the Pharisees)

Anger has a nasty reputation so most of us are a bit hesitant to acknowledge it in our lives.  We’ll say were annoyed, peeved, miffed, perturbed, aggravated, frustrated or even hurt; but angry—no way!  Fact—we all experience anger.  Therefore prudent students’ time is wiser spent in discovering how to use anger positively rather than how to avoid it.

Anger: the emotional response tied to one’s sense of self preservation.  Anger involves standing up for one’s sense of convictions and self worth.  When a person feels angry he is advocating for himself and his beliefs.  At its core anger is an emotion that seeks to correct wrongs.  While it was meant to have a positive function all of us tend to misuse it at times.  Some people express anger in a destructive way 90-95% of the time they use it.

In general there are two basic ways to express anger: aggressively and assertively.  It’s amazing how the same situation can have such differing results just based on which of these two ways anger is expressed.

Aggressive Anger: Expresses anger without any regard for the other persons involved.  Tends to be abrasive, insensitive, negative, and usually remains unresolved.  There are several types of aggressive behavior.

Loud obnoxious behavior:  The most obvious style—usually the person who is the object of this anger suffers greatly.  Behaviors include; loud cursing, finger pointing, throwing objects, name calling, and temper outbursts.  I call this “Jerry Springer Show” type anger.

Cutting behavior: Toned down in the physical aggression, but still not considerate of others.  Behaviors include; sarcasm, critical words, blaming, open insults, complaining, and whining.  This method is often makes good news stories and is displayed in American politics.

Passive-Aggressive: The most subtle and difficult to handle.  The individual communicates anger while refusing to “own up to it.”  Behaviors include; silent treatment, holding grudges, deliberate ignoring, procrastination, half-hearted efforts, and chronic forgetfulness.  This type is often seen in the workplace and in marriages.

Each of these three types sabotages relationships and in the end does not dissolve the anger.

Assertive Anger: Taking a stand for convictions while considering theneeds of other persons involved.  There are times when responsible behavior demands that we take a stand for our convictions.  It is also wise to remember that James 1:19 teaches us to be very conservative in its use.  There are several ways to be assertively angry.

Publicly stating your beliefs: Declares your convictions, but remains sensitive to others feelings.

Saying “No” when necessary:  People who say “Yes” to too many requests become worn out frustrated and degress until they can be no help to anyone.

Setting Boundaries:  Let your limits be known.  For example if someone at work requests help with their project say up front, “I can help you for thirty minutes then I have to return to my work.”

Openly seek to clarify issues: Destructive anger often arises out of confusion.  Make sure what you communicate is understood properly.

Asking for Favors: What! How is this anger.  It fits the definition because you are standingt up for your needs and convictions, but also avoiding frustration.  Failing to be assertive in this area, such as asking your spouse for help with the chores, often leads to resentment.

How does anger get out of hand?  In Ephesians 4:26 Paul tells us to “be angry and not sin” and  “don’t let the sun go down on your anger or you will give the devil an opportunity.”  Satan wants us to dwell on our anger day after day, yet do nothing about it.  We then turn it inward to bury it, but it won’t stay under!  Any new frustrating opportunity stirs up this old anger causing us to over react, often destructively and express more anger than the situation calls for.  However, expressing this new anger never depletes the original anger.

We should also realize that no human can make us feel good at all times.  Our fullest sense of affirmation comes from God himself.  There is much more to learn on dealing with anger, but let’s focus on the most important first.  Are you in a relationship that anger is destroying.  I’m talking about destroying you, your self-worth, your relationship with others, your joy in life.  Aggressive anger very rarely improves on its own—in fact it almost always progressively worsens.  If you or your partner have trouble releasing and resolving anger get help!

We see so many statistics today we become numb to them, but read these again.  It’s staggering hen you absorb how the misuse of anger is physically and emotionally destroying this country.  Sadly, women and children often take the brunt of the receiving end.  In future issues we’ll address dealing with angry children and controlling anger before it happens.